Thursday, August 2, 2012

15 anos: Del Odio y del Perdon.

El lunes 4 de Agosto de 1997 mi papa fue asesinado en su oficina. Su ausencia ha sido una montana rusa de experiencias y un camino de fortalecimiento espiritual. El mayor legado de su ausencia fue entender en mis terminos el significado de la palabra perdon. Tal vez esa sea la ensenanza mas valiosa como ciudadana de un pais en donde parece que esa palabra se desvanecio del diccionario desde la epoca de la colonizacion. 

Para empezar tuve que aprender a perdonar a mi padre como ciudadano por todas las acciones de su vida politica que solo acumulaban las caracteristicas que yo mas aborrecia en un ser humano. Fue, como muchos en el pais, un politico corrupto que me saco lagrimas cuando anos despues de su muerte fui a conocer al pueblo al que le robaba con otros de sus colegas...era su propio pueblo, y el pueblo de sus colegas tambien, que aun vive en tanta miseria y se escuda en alcohol, el chisme y el negocio de la politica.  Un pueblo en donde democracia es el negocio mas lucrativo pues los votos son de los mas baratos del mercado. Un pueblo donde calidad de estudio no es un derecho sino un privilegio. Un pueblo que vive inmerso en un paraiso de bosque y brota el agua sin medida y no tiene acceso a agua potable. Un pueblo desarraigado a la fuerza de su tierra, de su oro, de su ser. Un pueblo que se aferra a la paz de su musica y su alegria a pesar de tantas penas y tragedias. Un pueblo donde no se sabe cocinar poquito y un platano verde le levanta la sonrisa a cualquiera. Cualquier parecido con el pais y con el mundo, es pura realidad. 

Me partio el alma saber que mi papa contribuyo al desmiembre del Choco. Que hace parte de una historia llena de tristezas, odios, mentiras, superficialidades, derroches y venganzas. Tuve que aprender a perdonarlo porque al ser un politico corrupto puso en riesgo su vida y me dejo su ausencia. Su ausencia tambien trajo consigo descubrir mil y un ollas tapadas y podridas de sus enredos familiares. Todavia estoy en el proceso de aprender a perdonar a sus hijos que en el sentido fisico me cuesta llamar hermanos. Despues de 13 anos de empujar un proceso legal para que su pension le diera tranquilidad a la mujer que amo, mi mama, el proceso cayo en manos de la mejor tajada. Claramente mi tono habla por si solo, y esto tambien lo tengo en proceso para que Dios lo borre de mi cabeza y se apodere de mi corazon, solo asi puedo decir que honestamente he perdonado.

Pero creo tambien que Dios ya ha curado muchas de estas heridas. Si, el proceso cayo presa del soborno. Se dijeron muchas falsedades. Y un dia me pregunte...porque?? y para que?? cual es el motivo de tanto odio y tanta persecusion?? y fui en reversa y me pregunte "quien mando a matar a mi papa y porque??" La verdadera razon de la muerte de mi padre esta inconclusa, o mas bien, parece ser que la razon para concluir el proceso fue elaborada y la verdad esta con los autores intelectuales del asesinato. Cuando me pregunte "quien mando a matar a mi papa y porque??" pense tambien en los tres hombres que le quitaron la vida y me acorde de un suceso que nunca he olvidado. A las pocas horas, o tal vez al dia siguiente de la muerte de mi papa, hablaron en el noticiero sobre los autores materiales diciendo que estaban en la carcel. Alguien que nos acompanaba viendo las noticias dijo: "Bien hecho que cogieron a esos hi$%#pu%$, que los maten!!". No puedo explicar la perplejidad con la que sali del cuarto, a esa edad no entendi porque yo no podia reaccionar asi, ni tampoco entendi la reaccion que acababa de presenciar. Y es una frase tan comun en Colombia!! Cuando pienso que alguien seguramente dijo lo mismo cuando se entero de que mi papa estaba muerto, digo "que locura y todo porque!!". Todo por muchas razones, ninguna de ellas valida: plata, deudas, negocios, poder y sus demostraciones, posicion social...basura.

Solo hace pocos anos conclui que en ese entonces yo no conocia el odio en carne propia. Mucho anos despues ya en la Universidad, permiti que la semilla del odio empezara a brotar en mi. Me volvi partidaria del "maten a los hi$#pu#$ guerrilleros". Un mensaje vendido por el entonces presidente Alvaro Uribe en su frase "mano dura, corazon grande". Despues descubri el lado de los paramilitares y sus enredos amorosos con el ejercito y la policia y dije "maten as los Hi%$^&put$# paras" y me dedique a alimentar el complejo de persecucion de Chavez el presidente Venezolano. Llegaron a mis manos muchas peliculas y libros sobre politica y corrupcion. Cuando llegue a la conclusion de que, al menos en Colombia, nuestro negocio del narcotrafico mantiene a todo el pais esclavo de las mismas invalidas razones que mataron a mi papa, decidi parar por un segundo y analizar de nuevo mis creencias.



Aunque con mis manos nunca he matado, con mi mente he matado a millones de personas. Guerrilleros, paramilitares, militares, policias, narcos, politicos y sicarios. Creo que no soy la unica. Mi cobardia para matar guerrilleros con mi propia mano, me hizo defensora del ejercito por mucho tiempo. Sin embargo, con cada cambio de bando hubo una evolucion. Cuando decidi matar mentalmente al ejercito y a los paracos, no me hize defensora de los guerrilleros. Y cuando vi a todo un pais esclavo de la misma idea, me tuve que deshacer de todo tipo de defensas. Creo que la razon por la que en Colombia nos seguimos matando todos los dias, es porque detras de cada homicida (llamese como se llame, legal o ilegal), hay millones de fans que mentalmente aprueban sus acciones. No debemos extranarnos de la sociedad que tenemos. Decimos "uy mucho HP como se le ocurre matarlo y jugar con la cabeza!! que maten a ese HP y que le hagan lo mismo"....es o no es un circulo sin sentido?? La peor parte de la verdad, es que nunca sabemos si los hechos que nos estan dando para odiar, realmente pasaron. Ya en Colombia uno nunca sabe cuando fueron los guerrilleros, cuando los paracos, cuando el ejercito, cuando los policias, cuando las BACRIM, cuando un tipo X. Todos cambian de identidad cuando se descubre la verdad que se encubria. Asi que estamos matandonos por matarnos y me pregunto hasta cuando vamos a aguantar?? Y hasta cuando vamos a pretender que nada pasa?? Hasta cuando vamos a poder seguir embriagandonos e ignorar el dolor que nos causa todo esto?? 

Es tan extrano y tan ridiculo a veces, que la unica reaccion que me queda es reirme...es como si fuera un sueno y me despierto y me rio de las cosas que sone...solo que no es un sueno, parece tan irreal que solo puedo reirme. Es tan comun ver en los noticieros, no solo en Colombia, sino en el mundo (occidental sobre todo) que la gente dice estar feliz cuando alguien que ha cometido un homicidio o una masacre (o cualquier cosa), lo encierran o lo matan...la escena en mi mente es casi inevitable: "me alegra!! se lo merece!! no iba a descansar hasta que lo cogieran, no voy a descansar hasta que lo maten, eso es justicia!! me hace muy feliz". Y mientras dicen que estan muy felices y satisfechos, su cara se retuerce, su cuerpo esta tenso y uno como expectador puede ver cualquier cosa menos felicidad. Porque no lo vemos?? porque creemos que estamos felices si es tan claro que estamos llenos de odio y dolor?? Y si no lo vemos, nos podemos curar??

Y con ese analisis empeze a hacer mi mejor esfuerzo para arrancar el brote de esa semilla de odio y no dejarla germinar en mi nunca mas. Paradojicamente, nunca pude desear la muerte de las personas que mataron a mi papa. Ni de los sicarios, ni de los cerebros que lo planeron y pagaron. Encontre que mi dolor mas grande con el suceso tiene dos caras. Una fue no saber porque...no saber que paso, tal vez no conocer a mi papa en ese sentido, sentir que habia un hueco, algo en la vida de el que me fue tan ajeno y tan aparte de mi, pensar que conoci a mi padre a medias y que no tuve la oportunidad de pedirle que no lo hiciera. Ese dolor me mata y me carcome todavia. La otra cara de mi dolor es por los que lo mataron. Pensar que por plata, o poder o venganza le quitaron la vida a un ser humano. Pensar que todo su potencial para ser brillantes seres humanos esta obstruido por ellos mismos y no lo ven!! Que su vida diaria es tan vacia que tratan de llenarla a como de lugar y solo logran mantenerla en el vacio y la oscuridad. Es tal vez la misma vida que tenia mi padre el ciudadano que no conoci en vida. 

No necesito que nadie muera ni que vayan a la carcel para quitarme este dolor. Talvez solo necesito saber la verdad y creer que existe un futuro mejor para todos, tanto ellos como yo. Por muchos anos he sentido que solo quiero encontrar a estas personas y sentarme a llorar con ellos. Entender lo que esta y estuvo detras de tanto maltrato a si mismos que los llevo a maltratar a otros. Me pregunto si lo que uno manifiesta como odio por los responsables es una expresion del dolor de no haber conocido la faceta que llevo a nuestros seres queridos a ser parte de lo que eran. O incluso, si es que nuestro corazon reconoce el dolor de los corazones aprisionados de los criminales y en un intento por expresarlo como odio por eso que aprisiona, nosotros lo transformamos en odio por las personas. 

Hay gente que cree que hay gente mala por naturaleza. Que uno nace malo. Los prejuicios son tales que solo con ver una expresion facial, la gente dice "uuy es que tiene una cara de maaloo, se le nota por encima!!". Yo creo que uno es bueno por naturaleza. Que para que una persona llegue a manifestar su deseo de muerte por otra persona, necesita estar muerta en vida. Si uno esta muerto en vida, la palabra que mejor describe a estas personas es "zombies". Las personas que mataron a mi padre me causan un dolor profundo porque las siento como zombies, literal. No saben porque lo hicieron. Y porque no saben porque, en el sentido profundo de la pregunta, lo pueden hacer de nuevo. Igual que una pareja que ha sido infiel. O que un padre o madre que maltrata o mata a sus hijos. La evidencia esta en que despues del acto, lloran sin descanso. Y los que no lloran?? son o no son zombies?? aun mas dolor me causan. Un ser humano solo puede llegar a este nivel cuando pierde la semilla esencial del ser humano, que es el amor. Todo ser humano es bueno por naturaleza. 

A los zombies de las peliculas los matan todo el tiempo, y me imagino que por eso nuestras sociedades hacen lo mismo con nuestros zombies. Si no los matamos, los encerramos para asegurarnos de que nunca se recuperen como seres humanos. El metodo ha probado ser efectivo en el 99% de los casos porque la gente sale de la carcel y vuelve a lo mismo. Ni las prisiones ni sus programas estan disenadas para recuperar seres humanos, no estan disenadas para hacer las preguntas profundas y recuperar la humanidad de estos seres. La gran mayoria de nuestras carceles y prisiones son manejadas por zombies tambien. Que podemos esperar??  A las personas que mataron a mi padre solo quisiera que encontraran la forma de restaurar su humanidad y su corazon porque si es posible!, que encuentren el beso de la vida que deshace el hechizo del sapo o la bestia. 

A pesar de todo, a mi padre como padre, nunca le resenti nada ni le tengo nada por perdonar. Como padre solo tengo los mejores recuerdos y memorias. A pesar de todo lo que pasaba a su alrededor, y de su comportamiento en su medio, las memorias que tengo de nosotros dos son unicas. Es como si lo nuestro lo mantuviesemos en una burbuja. Es intocable y nadie lo puede corromper. Nadie puede tergiversarme los recuerdos de mi padre. A pesar de su conducta como ciudadano, nuestro amor de padre e hija nos permitio seguir juntos hasta hoy y me permite ver sus faltas y seguirlo amando. Como diera porque toda Colombia pudiera estar en mis zapatos y saber lo que se siente amar a pesar de tantos errores tan dolorosos. Nunca mas volveriamos a tener razones para hacernos dano.

Espero un dia poder poner en palabras lo que Dios me ha mostrado para llevarme a sentir como me siento y a escribir lo que escribo. Por el momento, solo puedo rogarle a cada uno de los ciudadanos de mi pais que hagan todo lo posible por desenterrar la fuerza que se esconde en su corazon que acaba con todo dolor, absorve todo y lo transforma en belleza. El poder de Dios esta en nuestro corazon. Somo hechos a su imagen y semejanza, no El a la nuestra. Lo mejor que cada uno puede hacer para mejorar el pais, es dejar de ser parte del problema. Si vivimos en un mundo de zombies, "deZombisece"!!

Monday, July 30, 2012

Parenting with God in Heart. Part 2.

2. Teach your kids the word "No" before they develop their long term memory (around the age of 4). 


I found a couple of inconsistencies when later on was also said: 
"Teach your kids obedience, not compliance."
God has plans for your kids, don't get in the way!

This one hit me hard!! "No" is a word that most parents would agree is almost the first word their kids say!! We didn't need to teach them the word!! they only had to listen to us saying it to them every day for almost everything!! no wonder they learn it so quickly!! why would you even try to reinforce it?? The motives for this sentence made sense to me: As a parent you want your kids to be able to say "no" to certain, potentially dangerous things or situations. Reality is, to me of course, we all learnt the word "no" before we were 4, and we all made and still make 1001 mistakes and say "yes" to the most bizarre propositions. 

One of the arguments was that the things you don't say "no" to when your kids are little, will come back and hunt you when they're teenagers. Quite a few people with teens and older kids identified with this comment. My son is only two, but I was a teenager too. I am not suggesting that one should not address the situations that arise in early childhood or when they are teens. What I am saying is that saying "NO" is not necessarily the way to address it and in my case, both with my son and when I was a teenager, it is the most ineffective, inefficient, energy-draining one. 

I was discussing this after the meeting and I was asked what my approach is. I find that my son understands reasons!! Specially the ones that refer to tangible danger. Those that refer to material lose are a bit tougher to get him to understand. As a mother I tend to "infantilize" my son thinking that he's too young to understand what I'm saying. Quite a few times he has surprised me when suddenly he finds himself able to actually execute what I've been asking him for weeks. Now I try to be very careful of what I do and say around him because he does understand, it is just that physically he is not able to execute with 100% success yet. So of course I am beside him if his playing too close to the road, or I make the call to move away from dangerous places, but he does know that the road is not a place to be because a car may run over him, that only daddy or granpa can start the fire and that he can help only if they are with him because he can get burnt. He does know that he needs shoes to run on the grass at the front of the house because prickles will hurt him if he doesn't. I'm not saying he's the perfect child, I'm saying kids understand reasons specially if they're related to danger that actually causes physical pain!! What happens when me or my husband say "no" to him?? a straight and loud "no" comes back from him!!! how annoying and frustrating!! He does know the word "no" and he does know when to use it too!! 

I try as hard as my patience lets me, to restrict my "no"s to real dangerous situations. Most other things we say "no" to, are things that society and we as parents expect from our kids, like screaming and tantrums, playing with food, buttons and water tubs. I've been inviting him to turn on the dishwasher with me. He's allowed to put the soap, close the soap lid, I shut the dishwasher and he activates the machine (with my help). I was finding myself saying "no" to him touching the dishwasher buttons. So my message now is "yes, you can touch the buttons when...". There are many occasions where a "no" is so unnecessary. I think often the point we as parents want to get across is "yes but when X happens". Sometimes I use the advice of one book that says to validate your child's desire so I go "I know you want to stay and play for longer, but we have to go now". By minimizing the situations where I have to say "no" to the minimum, I ensure myself consistency with my "no". when I say it, I mean it, he knows it and he knows there is a reason, he might not think it is valid, but my stress seems to makes him feel that my reason is important. When there is a myriad of things to say "no" it is hard and tiring to keep saying no to them all day every day, we eventually end up saying yes and that's when games begin.

I was told that God asks us to do things and he often doesn't give us reasons. Yes and no. God doesn't give us logical or rational reasons. They probably shouldn't be called reasons because they are not for our minds to understand. The messages from God are to the heart. Our minds don't know why, but somehow we know that it is real and we don't even need a reason. If we as parents had the skills to communicate with our kids heart to heart, in the same way that our Father communicates to us, we probably wouldn't need to give reasons to our kids and even more, we probably wouldn't ask anything from them, we would only advice them on what they should or should not do, which is what God does with us. In my opinion it is inevitable that the consequence of teaching "no" is compliance. When we say "no" to our kids, specially when we don't give a reason for it, kids learn what not to tell us. I knew what my mum didn't want to hear about, so I didn't tell her. The consequence of that is hypocrisy and following the parents instructions with a poor attitude, like Martha complaining in the kitchen while her sister was listening to Jesus. Martha's attitude was one of compliance, serving in the kitchen because she felt she had to. Her sister was listening to Jesus because she wanted to. We think our kids would never been capable of the things they've been accused of, truth is, not only they are, but there is a reason why as parents, we don't see it and they don't tell us. When they come to us to tell us, we recriminate them. Does God our Father recriminates the 1001 things we've made with our lives??

Let's get back to Genesis. God did give us a reason not to eat the apple. He was warning us, not stopping us from doing it. "But of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die". God gives us freedom of choice, and that freedom is 100% freedom, yes, of doing whatever we want and he has told us everything that could happen with our decisions. Basically, once we eat the apple we open the wide gate!! and the more we enter through it, the more difficult it becomes to come back, shut it and choose the narrow one. But God our Father knows that the wide gate exists!! does he hold me from going there?? no!! he can only wait for me to ask for His help to come back. He knows I'm dead! he knows I chose to and he let me to!! Every time I realize what I've done, I come back to him and he only listens to me and comforts me...but he let me go in the first place.

"How think ye? if a man have an hundred sheep, and one of them be gone astray, doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth into the mountains, and seeketh that which is gone astray? 13 And if so be that he find it, verily I say unto you, he rejoiceth more of that sheep, than of the ninety and nine which went not astray". (Matthew 18; 12-13)

God looks for us, lost sheep, but He can only look after we have made the decision to leave and he does let us leave. And when we decide to let him find us, He is happy!! Is that our attitude towards our kids when they make decisions we don't agree with?? and is that our attitude when they come back?? Most of the things we say "no" to, come from our own expectations and fears of them making mistakes in life. If God give us and our kids freedom of choice, who are we to restrain that freedom in our kids lives?? I share that God has plans for our kids, but most of the time we say "no" and try to direct our kids lives telling them what to do, and what to believe, we are stopping them from discovering the plan God has for them. I can't say that I know the plan and purpose God has for me, what makes me think that by doing what I say, he'll discover God's plan for him?? 

Obedience to God in my understanding, is to be able to listen and follow only [what He says through] our hearts. That often means to go the opposite way our good/evil divided minds tell us to. Through our hearts God tells us to move in one and one direction only: the direction of pure and unconditional love, which can only express as the best version of us as human beings on this earth. It means that if we follow and obey that, it will be hard for our minds to comply, but we can't resist our impulse to do it. It is doing things wholeheartedly. Obedience is often something that's understood as doing things almost against our will or without expressing our feelings about it. To me, true obedience to God is irresistible!! how could you resist to be the best you can be??. Our hearts are drawn to obey and it is a pleasure to do so. It is hard and difficult only because we eat constantly from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Therefore, my perspective is that one cannot teach children to obey us. I can only teach him to obey God through his heart and give him the space to do that himself, let God talk to him directly. The way to do that is not [just] by talking and instructing, but only by me obeying God through my heart. In the same way that my son learnt to say "no" to me just by watching me and listening to me saying it to him (I didn't purposefully teach him to say "no"), he'll learn to obey God by watching me and my acts. 

I think it is pretentious to want our kids to obey us unless we are in the capacity to let God express himself fully through us without the interruption of our sinful minds, that is to say, unless we can fully understand God's plans and surrender to participate in them the way He intends them to be, or in other words, unless we become God by participation, which I think is also pretentious for most of us to declare judging by the state of the Christian community in the world. Obedience is only to God. If God is expressing through me fully, I don't even have to claim nor teach obedience. My son will obey out of his own decision and with all his heart. 


Saturday, July 28, 2012

Parenting with God in Heart.

I heard some advice on family and parenting within a Christian community that let me a bit concerned.  Parenting is such a delicate topic I think because often each couple or even each individual in the couple have such different perspectives on what to say or do in some circumstances with their kids. It also applies for single mums or dads. People have their own views and particularly in this one, I often don't want too many comments about what I do with my son or how I do it. In light of this, I have to admit that the advice was quite disturbing to my heart and I found most of it being a personal perspective, not a Christian founded argument. I did agree with a lot of other things, but there were a couple that got my attention so much that I find myself writing about them today. I apologize in advance if I get a bit too passionate about the topic. The particular points where:

1. As cute as your new born looks to you, he's a bundle of sin.

2. Teach your kids the word "No" before they develop their long term memory (around the age of 4). 

I found a couple of inconsistencies when later on was also said: 
"Teach your kids obedience, not compliance."
God has plans for your kids, don't get in the way!

3. "Make sure you know where your kids are, who they are with and what they're doing."

Along the lines of this was also said "don't let your kids use technology alone in their rooms (i.e dirty conversations with fiends on mobile phones)

4. "You're not your kids' mate, you're your kids' parents!!"

Maybe I missed it due to language barriers or sound or something but, except probably for the common interpretation of Genesis in sentence number 1, I didn't hear a biblical reason why these particular recommendations where made and, when there is no biblical reason, what is said has to resonate with my heart, not with my mind. It didn't. So I'm going to address this writing from the perspective of my own relationship with God as a Father and how I strive to use God's skills as The Father with my own son and kids around us. Today I analyse aspect number 1.

1. As cute as your new born looks to you, he's a bundle of sin.

This is a tough one and one that is very subject to personal interpretations of a tough book like Genesis. I'm obviously sharing my own view. God said to Adan "But of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die" Genesis 2; 17. Because of the disobedience of Adan and Eve, we are all vulnerable to sin (but remember that because of Jesus, we are all capable of living without it!). What is the sin?? The knowledge of good and evil!! It is our  gift of freedom to label, decide and chose what is right and wrong, what is good and bad that's our biggest sin. The knowledge of good and evil takes us away from the action of pure love which is where one lives in perfect union with God. Jesus sets us free by taking away this burden of having to decide what is good and bad. He was a man that no matter who was talking to him, He was always open and centered in love to talk to anybody from thieves to prostitutes. He knew that Peter was going to deny Him, that Judas was going to set him up and yet, he was not divided between the "good and evil" reasoning but centered in love and kept him as his disciples. He chose Paul, a vicious Jew campaigner against him, to replace Judas and become one of his followers too. Funnily enough, Paul wrote, in my view, the greatest of the books of the Bible. Can you imagine a better freedom than the capacity to love everything, every moment and everybody no matter what the circumstances?? That is the freedom that God gives.

As parents, we are very good at teaching right and wrong and of course, he/she has the built-in capacity for this, that is the role of the tree of knowledge. The tree of knowledge is not sin per se, eating from it is the problem. A baby, who has access to the tree of sin, but has not eaten yet from it, cannot be a bundle of sin. That is why Jesus precious babies and little ones and that is why the kingdom of heaven belongs to them already(!!). They are free without knowing it. It is when they eat from the tree that they lose the kingdom and certainly die!! I guess, in a way, we kill them as parents. It is of course, a spiritual death. One only has to look around to see the madness of the war between good and evil that permeates every single aspect of society. And the saddest thing is that it is us parents and adult society, whether Christians or not, who kindly pass on the apple to our own kids. So subtle is the serpent of Genesis, that we have lived with it for so long we don't even notice anymore it is there, or I should say here within us, so subtle that we drag our kids to sin with us. The tree of knowledge of good and bad, as I understand it, is therefore not a tree that lived 4000 or so years ago. Each single person is born with it. The Genesis is the story of the beginning of your spiritual journey.

The disciples asked Jesus who is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven. To me that question means "who is good, what are the qualities of the righteous and good ones so that we can mimic them and be with them??" And what was Jesus' answer??

"Verily I say unto you, except ye be converted, and become as little children ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. Whosoever shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in hte kingdom of heaven" (Matthew 18; 3 - 4)
Kids are free, they talk to everybody and when they don't, it is often not related to the characteristics of the person they are talking to. We are focused on teaching our kids, but I think we should let kids teach us about the freedom that God gives.

What do you think??

Next:  Teach your kids the word "No" before they develop their long term memory (around the age of 4). 

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

What Happens When You Let God Love you



This is a 3 parts series of entries about the meaning of humility, surrender and the only thing your heart is asking you to do. This is Part 3. Find parts 1 and 2 in the links below:

Part 1.
Part 2.


The problem of the world today is that we all have said "yes" partially to God, we have said "yes, you can love the word through me but we'll do it my way". As we create more and more solutions from our own ways, we find more (in quantity as well as complexity) issues and barriers to overcome next. As the number of issues increase and we cling to our ways to let God love the world through us, the issues start to form a mass of one simple problem formed by many complex problems. This mass is the crisis the world is going through today. I think it can be defined as follows:

We can't go any further down or any lower than this. Think about it, we have reached a point where we think that people have to "earn" and "deserve" the right to live!! If we want food, clean water, clean air and live in harmony with the rest of humanity and the rest of life itself, we have to "earn" it and "deserve" it, which is, we have to enslave ourselves to do something we find absolutely purposeless to create false value in our societies and be able to survive, as if we could!!. Once life is conceived and a baby is born, they have to learn how to 'earn and deserve' their spot in the world. Being alive is not enough of a fact to deserve the entitlements that life brings with it (nurturing food, harmony in and with nature, the safest and greatest of the inventions of the human heart). What can be more dysfunctional than that??


With the economic crisis of the last couple of years, governments worry, among many other things, about how to create jobs. It does not matter what kind of job, just jobs. The jobs of today are all vulnerable to be replaced by technology. People worry about that. This is how bad things are!! People prefer to do the job of a machine every day for many years because it seems to be the only plausible option we have to live!! I believe we have reached the bottom of the barrel in terms of the dysfunctionality of humanity today and that is the trigger of the massive "awakening" we are seeing as well. Having hit the bottom, some people are surrendering ("a determination not to contribute to the messiness of the world by adding our own false self projects to it" - Fr. Thomas Keating), others are on their way to surrender or "humbling" themselves (all the economic, political, social, environmental and spiritual movements popping up everywhere) and many are still completely unaware of their self betrayal, still clinging to their own ways, still asking for mechanical jobs, committing suicide because rent can't be paid, stealing for money, killing (others and themselves through many different activities) for money.

As humanity goes deeper in the exploration of its collective betraying self, or as humanity moves in mass to the bottom of the barrel, God moves to the surface of earth through those who have decided to surrender to his love so that he can love the world through us. At the individual level, surrendering does mean to stop the doing and engage in being. It is challenging, "being" is often not the way we do things, is often not the way we love, we don't like being. But in the process of letting God heal us and surface in our lives, there is no much you can do other than identifying what aspect of your life you need to surrender next. Eventually, and I don't know when that happens, you have let God be you, become you, bring about the real and honest you that loves you, enough that He can express his love through you in the world. Then you start doing again and this doing becomes your work, as opposed to your job. This doing is irreplaceable by anything or anybody else. It is a doing where the heart commands and the mind acts in alignment and submission to the heart. In today's world, the mind acts by itself in complete misalignment with the heart, even when we're doing something that we think we really care and moves us deeply, the decision comes from the mind alone. You have experienced it yourself in your weight loss journey: You deeply care about your well being, you truly want to be healthy and look good and your mind says, "ok, let's do a diet , let's buy a supplement, let's take some tablets".  

When you surrender and let God make His way to the surface of your body, or in non-Christian words, when you let the truest and honest version of the you that loves you make its way to the surface of your body, you stop the unnecessary suffering. Example: If you planned a trip to X and you're very excited about it, you have your schedule of what your doing during your trip, where you're going, who you're visiting, you did all the shopping, have your tickets ready, all your bookings done, everything on time, all vaccinations, leave home with plenty of time to make it safely to the airport only to find an accident on your way that would make you miss your flight. Then, if surrendered, first you probably wouldn't have planned so much in the first place but assuming you still do because is part of your journey of healing or whatever, if surrendered, missing the flight would not cause the pain it normally does. You missed the flight, there is a reason for it, you still had a not very positive reaction, what of my old ways where acting when that happened?? oooh I see...this is why I did it!!! 

When you surrender the kind of suffering that comes from the outside is significantly reduced. You stop worrying about many things that seemed crucial before and also, you find more complex issues that make you worry about things that seem more important. You stop worrying about your partner's hair in the shower and start worrying about extreme hunger in Africa or child abuse. Eventually you recognize that these more important issues don't cause you the same type of suffering anymore. The issues are still there and you may still consider them extremely important, but you don't suffer...as in, you don't go nuts trying to make something happen anymore, you don't let your false self contribute its projects. A new kind of suffering is born. Your new suffering concerns to you and you only now. You still care about these important issues which of course means you care deeply about others but, how can you do something and ensure that the solution comes from your heart, that it is an act of God's love through you. That is the real and worthwhile suffering!! You will always think that what you do comes from your heart, as you surrender more and more of your life, you find that you can let more and more of your heart be in you, which often means doing less and less, and being more and more. 

It seems like many won't recognize their self betrayal behaviours. That is very unfortunate and that is my understanding of hell. It is not an unknown place with fire, it is a status, a condition of your humanity where your heart is crying to be let out and you won't let it. It is a burning feeling and it brings all sorts of suffering. All the sufferings that the Bible refers to but right here and right now in your life. The saddest aspect of your hell, is that you don't even know you're in it so very often you deny it making it even worse. How much you can bear it will determine when you'll start making your way out...through humility and surrender of course. 

Those already in the process of humbling and surrendering are on their way to heaven. Which isn't an place either. It is a status, a condition of your humanity where your heart expresses fully, where God is present through you wholly and you know it, where God loves the world through you and you are aware of being a vehicle of His plan of pure love, which brings enormous joy. Heaven on earth will happen, many will surrender and the earth will be transformed. Declaring yourself as a follower of a particular religion will not be important anymore, the suffering that comes from that debate is part of the non-surrendered you that clings to what you believe, not to what your heart knows. This is the remembrance of the body of Christ, all its members (each of us is a member) will come together and we'll all speak one language: The language of Unconditional Love, which is the language of God. Not matter what you believe, I may still disagree, but I will still love you unconditionally. This is the capacity that Jesus brought to us with his life. By dying in the cross He showed us that it is possible for us to do what seems irrational: Love your own murderers. Through the apostles He was teaching us how to do it, which means  not only that we can be like Him, but that by washing our sin we now have a responsibility: We must become Him!! not in the sense of mimicking Him, but by letting God work through us as Jesus did, that is perfect communion...that will be the kingdom of heaven in earth, that will be the restoration of the church, that will be the unification of languages to the one language that matters. 



Let God Love You




This is a 3 parts series of entries about the meaning of humility, surrender and the only thing your heart is asking you to do. This is Part 2. Find parts 1 and 3 in the links below:

Part 1.
Part 3.


How do we let Him love us?? That is to me, the meaning of surrender and humility. It is not about being docile and repressing your feelings to others. Quite the opposite. Surrendering and humility doesn't have anything to do with others, although when you surrender and humble yourself, others notice it even if they don't tell you. You surrender when in your many attempts to do the right thing, you find out that there is always something in your way and you can't avoid it and more importantly can't solve it your way. You let Him love you when you reach that point and let Him love you. You don't surrender to an external punishing being behind some clouds either as I shall explain.

Let me give you an example: 

You want to lose weight: You say "Yes, but we'll do it my way" and you try as many diets as possible. Often fail to start the process, if you do, often fail to reach the goal and if you do, you fail to keep the weight in the long term, you have to rely in chemical aids or surgeries to prolong the results. So much so that some diets now give you a day a week to go nuts and eat as much as you want of anything and everything. Some people never stop trying. Some people do reach their weight goal and replace their overeating with some other excess in their lives. Some people eventually draw a big picture of the situation and assess it. It looks something like this: "I want to lose these 1 - 60 kg. Every time I try a diet I find myself opening the fridge to motivate the temptation. Then I tried to eat healthy. How inconvenient!! You have to cook from scratch!! I don't like vegetables even tho I know they're beneficial. I love Coke even tho I know is a chemical soup. Buying organic is so expensive we can't afford it. Cooking every meal for 5 people?? Even making the kids snacks?? or buying them organic?? cooking separately for my diet and the rest of the family??" With every option I face something that makes my life hard enough as to make my goal seem unreachable. Often I quit. I need a miracle to lose my weight and I can't make it happen myself. I want to lose these stupid 30kg!!". 

Humility occurs when you tell yourself the story of your failures and you recognize that your way of doing things always seems like it's missing something. (Declaring you're a sinner in Christian terms). Humility occurs when you realize that the cause of your failures is not that others haven't come up with the right chemical soup or solution to your problem, but that the problem is that you don't have the strength to overcome the obstacles of the journey. It is when you have the experience of finding the problem within you rather than in others, that you can let others "offend" you once and twice and although you may not like the offense, and may indeed feel offended, you would know what is happening with the offender: They still think that the problem is you, you have been there, you know how it is...now you can forgive them.

Surrendering occurs when you don't quit your desire (to lose weight in this case) but admit that because you've tried it all and you've caught yourself betraying yourself in the process, you need a miracle that you can't produce and don't know where to find it (you've gone to specialists already and the problem still is that you don't stick to the plans). So you surrender and, if you are not familiar nor comfortable with the-God-vocabulary, you surrender to the deepest and truest version of you that you imagine possible...that's where God is at this stage of your life. When you surrender to the deepest feeling of you, which you may grasp as the most honest conversation you've had with yourself, or as talking to and from your heart, you admit and ask your heart to guide you. You ask the best version of you, the one you know is not lying to you because it's witnessed it all, to guide you all the way and help you. And this is how you let God step in and come up from the deep place where you've kept Him for so long. Letting God to step in, surrendering to God, is letting the best of your humanity to show up because we are all made to His image and likeness, not the other way around. He loves you whether you're a Christian or not. We are the ones that don't love non-Christians and to tell you the truth, we don't even love other Christians. 

But God doesn't just come up like by magic. It is a process and for each step that He needs to take in your life, He lets you decide whether you want to do it or not. You've put God so deep that almost seems unreachable. On the way up from deep within your heart to transforming you and acting through you, there is like a thousand tonnes of the habits of the you that has been betraying you all this time. Habits like self judgement, judgement of others, prejudice, attention and approval seeking and others. We have to admit that these habits make up about 99% of the story our our lives. You already admitted many of them in your assessment of the big picture of your weight loss journey. God has to find the way up through all that!! And "all that" is not related with just food, it is your whole life!!. In order to find the way up, He has to clean the path, He has to heal us, which is, He has to heal every single aspect of us. 

When you drop the weight of your failures in achieving your goal, it feels wrong to the version of you who wants to keep trying by using the same strategy that has always failed. It feels a huge relief when you know that you can't do anything about it so you won't. Every bite of junk food you eat may feel like the wrong thing but now you're aware of it. You'll start to develop the awareness of when you overeat, how you do it and what triggers you to do it so eventually, you'll find out why you do it. Finding out why you do it, will be an answer to why you do many other things in your life and why you've had the habits you've had. All this finding out I'm talking about comes from a place of surrendering and the "why" that you'll discovered is a spiritual one, or one that comes precisely from that deep place within you, from the honest you that loves you more than anything else and wants you to lose that weight and be healthy...that is what God wants you to be. This is how He triggers the healing of our whole being, we asked and He gives us. Asking God is ultimately surrendering to the truest and honest you deep in your heart, and that is why He answers. A "why" from an place of no surrendering will tell you that you don't loose weight because you've been following the wrong diet, taking the wrong tablets, going to the wrong doctor or reading the wrong material and that you need to do more, a different version of the same stuff. 

However, the fact that he triggers the healing doesn't imply an immediate healing of our whole being. We need to consent to it...by surrendering again. We may have surrendered our weight loss fight, and with that action we let Him take one step closer to act through us. Now we have to surrender the obstacle that is present at that new stage. The next thing we  want to achieve in our own ways, the next thing we cling to so much, the next thought we think is so right and drives so many of our actions and reactions to situations, people and nature. The role of the trigger is to make the next surrender easier to identify. The answer to the "why" is what makes it easier because you can see the patterns from your eating disorder in other aspects of your life. Once you pick up a new aspect and you come up to the point of surrendering again, you will add a new insight to your answer of "why" you do things. Which will then help you identify even more aspects of your life that are not functional or betray your desire for love, peace and happiness. And it is this way that we let God love us. As we go deeper in our exploration of our dysfunctional betraying selves, God comes up to the surface of our being to work through us and we start to irradiate love, we become light to the world, after we let God be the light of our beings. 

Let God Love the World Through You

- I know one day we will all give God a full and committed “yes” when asked to let Him love others through us. That’s all his asking us: to let Him love us (clean our life’s history of pain, attachments, judgments, etc,.) and love others through us. And when I assert this, I’m not implying that one day you’ll believe what I believe or you’ll be a Christian. You’ll say “yes” in the language of love, which is the one language He speaks and He’ll listen regardless of the belief system you claim to follow. - 
This is a 3 parts series of entries about the meaning of humility, surrender and the only thing your heart is asking you to do. This is Part 1. Find parts 2 and 3 in the links below:

Part 2.
Part 3.

Someone recommended me to watch a movie called "The Machine Gun Preacher" to witness what Jesus could do in one man's life. I haven't watched it yet but I googled it to find the trailer and reviews. This particular review caught my attention because of its concerns on the effects of the movie on foreign policy issues. Specific statements kept me reading:

"Regardless of whether or not his claims are spurious, he is being cheered, financed and encouraged by an ever-growing base of support. Most of these people claim to be evangelical Christians but I am not sure Jesus would have encouraged re-paying evil with evil…

The train of thought must go something like this: “Well, we would never allow that in the US, but this is AFRICA and we don’t have to follow the rules because we are Americans and God gave us a vision to help these poor African kids. People need to see love and stuff and we will give them both.”
Is this our new view of how our foreign policy should be enacted? Is it ok to think that “at least he is doing something?” and it is ok because he believes God approves? I would vehemently oppose such statements.
Can you imagine if a Mexican crossed the border in to the States and decided that he would go after criminals indiscriminately with neither the support of the US law enforcement agencies nor the judicial system? In fact, looking at the comments on his blog, it would seem that people are encouraging people like Sam Childers simply because he feels God wants him to. Is that not the very definition religious radicalism? Indoctrination? Fanaticism?"

It moved me to write a comment and this was my message:

I haven’t watched the movie yet. And as a Christian I agree with some (if not most) of your arguments. I honestly don’t think God calls people to kill in his name, I don’t believe in violence to solve violence and I agree that in the context of policies and politics of this conflict, what he says he’s doing might not necessarily be too helpful. However, as a Christian, I believe one finds God deep within, and the truest act of love when you encounter a “criminal” or whatever the label we put on these people, is to love yourself and forgive yourself for all the pain and anger you feel when you see them. Of course this is easier said than done and I’m not claiming that I do it, although I do have the experience of having forgiven my dad’s killers and never wished for them to even be in jail. The feeling of this forgiveness, although it has just happened once directly to me, is still liberating in many ways. In the spiritual dimension of this issue, I would believe that Sam is in a journey where he’s pouring as much love as he thinks he has on to these children. If there is a message from God to him, it was this. I think the message was “let me love these children through you” and Sam said “Yes…ok” not knowing what that implies to his spiritual journey.
Sam’s background or life’s history is not a happy nor a peaceful one. He only knows the ways of violence, judgement and prejudice, and so do many of us. And because of that, the task is double. For Sam to let God love these children through him, he must learn to love himself, he must let God love him and clean him from his own baggage of violence, judgement, attention and approval seeking. Clearly he’s not quite there yet. So what is happening here is that Sam said to God “Yes, but we’ll do it my way”. Which is what many of us do as the comments supporting him show us. By taking this position, he accepted the task to love these children, but didn’t take the challenge to love himself and drop his cross. He is loving them his way, not God’s way. As a consequence, his actions are “faulty”. And I don’t think that is necessarily wrong or a bad thing. He is showing us what happens when we say “yes” to God partially. It is the world we have here today.
Do I have any evidence of this?? Other than what God tells me, no. So I can’t show you any tangible facts to back my arguments. That is often the case with God’s matters. Only hope and faith in Life moves me to write this today. I know one day we will all give God a full and committed “yes” when asked to let Him love others through us. That’s all his asking us: to let Him love us (clean our life’s history of pain, attachments, judgments, etc,.) and love others through us. And when I assert this, I’m not implying that one day you’ll believe what I believe or you’ll be a Christian. You’ll say “yes” in the language of love, which is the one language He speaks and He’ll listen regardless of the belief system you claim to follow.
I noticed you are very strict with punctuation, grammar and spelling. Please accept my apologies in advance. English is not my first language. I did my best.
I suppose there is a lot missing. Maybe reading Childer's book would give me a better insight into his life than watching the movie. The big lesson for me is what came up as I was writing the comment: Every attempt we make at helping others and solving the problems of the world, are an attempt to say "yes" to God's request. Just that we want to do it our way. To say yes completely committed, we also must say yes to God making a cleanse in our own lives. We must first accept His offering to love us. When we let that happen, we fill ourselves with love and then we can go and share that love with others.


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